Today I read “This is why I’m fat” by Gordon McLean, and a lot of the ideas he puts forth I can relate to, so I wanted to write about those, and my own experiences. With the societal stigma put on people with high weight numbers, it’s good to have neutral conversations about it.

Am I Fat?

Personally, I don’t consider myself fat. Not yet, anyways. Despite this, I actually weigh more than Gordon does at the time of that post. Regardless, I don’t feel fat. I’ve got a belly, sure, but I still think I’ve got some pounds to go before I reach “fat”. Of course, my doctor disagrees, with him having once noted in the after-appointment notes that we “discussed over-weight BMI.” We, in fact, did not discuss this.

All that aside, I don’t think there’s much point in dicing words here. By many people’s metrics, I am fat. That’s okay. I can live with that. Frankly I’m more concerned with being out of shape than I am with the fact that I have a belly.

Why I Am Fat

I like food. I like food to an almost hedonistic degree. Why would I deny myself the joy of eating? I was put on this earth against my will, I may as well enjoy my time here. On top of that, I’m autistic, and recently I’ve been experiencing some autistic regression. I find myself overwhelmed more often. I find myself wanting to shutdown more often. And amid all that, food is nice. Eating is comforting. There’s so many delicious foods out there. Stimuli seeking has become relatively common for me where I’ll be fiending for a feeling of any type. All I want is to not feel neutral, and being full and having a good taste in my mouth is a great escape from neutrality.

I also don’t work out like I should. It’s not that I don’t like being active, it’s just that I work 40 hours a week in an office, and I’m so exhausted all the time from that that I just don’t go out as much. Couple that with the autistic burnout, and it makes for the perfect storm of a sedentary lifestyle. I used to not have to try to be thinner. Through my mid-twenties I was a stick of a person despite eating anything I please whenever I please. As it goes, though, it would seem my metabolism finally caught up with me, so now I have to actually put in effort. Booooo.

The final reason I have for my weight is that I simply don’t care all that much. I don’t see being thin as ontologically good. As long as you are happy in your body, then that’s the main goal as far as I’m concerned. I once heard somebody put it this way; all of us only have so much capacity to care about any given thing. Just because you don’t have the nicest car, the nicest house, the most clean kitchen, etc. doesn’t mean you don’t like those things, or even want those things, it’s just that maybe those things aren’t in your Top Three. The Top Three things you care about are where most of your attention is going to go, and you only have so much attention to give. So give yourself grace, and accept that some things may not be as important to you as you may think. My weight is not in my Top Three. It’s barely in my top 10. I care more about being out of shape than I do about a little belly pudge.

Care About Your Wellbeing, Then Care About Your Weight

The main point I would like to drive home to anybody reading this is that you can’t care about every little detail about yourself that other people may not like about you. I know you know that, but your weight is included in that. Be whatever weight you’re comfortable with. Your perception of yourself is a major part of your health. If you’re not happy with your weight, then that’s okay. You can work towards being whatever weight you want to be, but you’ve got to do it because you care about it, not because you want to appease the ever-roaring peanut gallery.